Home > I look like a moron, I predict the future > October Predictions: EC Yo

October Predictions: EC Yo

September 30, 2009 Leave a comment Go to comments

Right now, the day before opening night, everyone is making all kinds of crazy Stanley Cup “Predictions”.  Since I, on the other hand, will likely be on the beginning of a multi-month drunken haze by the end of October either due to Calgary sucking or Calgary being awesome, I’m going to predict standings at the beginning of my haze, the ones I’ll remember.  And after each little blurb, I’ll throw out a completely random and arbitrary guess about the end of their seasons based on complete fiction and possibly not relating to standings at all.

Eastern Conference

1. Montreal Canadians- They’ll have a nice hot start.  With speed and youth and who the hell am I kidding?  They’ll have a nice run in the beginning until distractions like, I dunno, living in goddamn Montreal, slow them down?

End of season diagnosis: 5.  No, not a standing.  Number of players with STDs from Montreal’s red light district.

2. Washington Capitals–  Ovechkin’s and Semin’s goals will far outnumber the missed backchecks by, well, everyone.

End of season bullshit: The Caps will be filling in for the Nats on days off when baseball season starts up again, and sadly still be better.

3. Buffalo Sabres- Ryan Miller will be healthy, Vanek will still be interested in playing, and Roy will win lots of face offs.

End of season bullshit: Vanek will score 43 goals in October and then promptly vanish on the ice so well that when he actually gets kidnapped nobody notices.

4. Philadelphia Flyers– Things will explode within days.  Goal totals, big hits, Danny Briere’s groin. No, this is not hyperbole.

End of season bullshit: Mike Richards on the other hand will have his shoulder fall off completely and still score at just over a point per game.  Surgery to reattach it at the end of October will fail and instead some crazy robot thing will be put in its place.  He’ll then be forever known as MECH RICHARDS.  Bad.  Ass.

5. Pittsburgh Penguins– The Stanley Cup hangover will be mild, they’re young and can still shake such things off with some ibuprofen.

End of season bullshit: In a shocking turn of events, Crosby will be revealed to be dull, Malkin interesting (yet nobody will notice) and Guerin old.  Also Yanni will be signed to a one way contract for reasons only known to Lemieux (hint: he owns every Yanni album ever made).

6. Atlanta Thrashers- Everyone will remember that this Kovalchuk guy is pretty good, now that he has a center and defensemen behind him.

End of season bullshit: GM Don Waddell will finally snap and trade every player on the team and promote the entire AHL squad.  Except Kovalchuk because “we’re not looking to rebuild right now”.  And despite all this, nobody in Atlanta will notice.

7. New York Rangers- Cliche, but such things are grounded in truth: this will be the one month Gaborik is healthy.  The one month Prospal contributes.  The one month people forget Brashear is grossly overpaid- if only because everything else is going great.

End of season bullshit: Gaborik will have a similar experience to MECH RICHARDS except having a metal groin will not make him awesome, just a major turn off to the ladies.

8. Boston Bruins– I just went to my first Bruins game (okay, so it was pre-season).  HOLY SHIT CHARA IS A BIG FREAKING DUDE

End of seas- I MEAN WOW HE IS GODDAMN HUGE

9. Florida Panthers- I have this great idea that the Florida Panthers will always be in either ninth or tenth place.

End of season bullshit: Next entry draft, in an attempt to drive up attendance, the Panthers draft Tim Tebow, making him the first NFL/NHL dual draftee.  He will sign with both the Jaguars and Panthers but end up playing for the Miami Heat.  No team gets any better, just poorer.

10. Carolina Hurricanes- Cam Ward will continue to kick ass, but nobody will notice.  All you’ll hear about in Canes coverage is “Oh, Eric Staal might reach his potential this year.”  And yet October will be super slow for him as usual.

End of season bullshit: Raleigh plans a NASCAR track/ice rink, after they realize the state has no other quality pro-sports.  Canes attendance will be the highest it’s ever been.

11. Toronto Maple Leafs- Brian Burke will be purely focusing on the Olympics, and while the Leafs are fun to watch, they will take a while to get rolling.

End of season bullshit: Leafs fans will g-JESUS CHRIST ZDENO CHARA IS MASSIVE I MEAN WHAT THE HELL GENETICS

12. New York Islanders- John Tavares will score 34 points in October, but nobody else will contribute/be healthy.

End of season bullshit: Rick DiPietro will play a full season.

13. New Jersey Devils- Boring hockey, ugly state.  They’ll have to work at not scoring goals and not allowing them now that Jacques Lemaire’s in town.  Hey- beiing dull is hard work!

End of season bullshit: People get lost in trash mazes on their way to Devil’s games, driving attendance to an all-time low.

14. Ottawa Senators– Milan Michalek will have a great start to the season, Jonathan Cheechoo will get waived only to have nobody pick him up.

End of season reasonable expectation: Nobody will be able to write about them with referencing a certain player being traded.

15. Tampa Bay Lightning- Vinny will have a great start, but a lack of cohesiveness will prevent them from capitalizing on it.

End of season bullshit: The team uniforms will be styled after the Saw franchise, confused high school students will attend games baked out of their minds.

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