Home > I look like a moron > Yeah, It’s Pretty Much the American Revolution

Yeah, It’s Pretty Much the American Revolution

February 26, 2010 Leave a comment Go to comments
 Oh hell yes- this Olympic ice hockey tournament is exactly like that.  And just like the damned British did in 1781, we all know Canada will fold when the going gets tough.  Sure they might beat up on little guys like Norway and Germany and an idiotic Russian team where the goalie isn’t pulled until he’s allowed six goals, but really, they can’t handle our gorgeous blue uniforms.  They may outnumber us, they may have better funding and training, but they’ll be signing that Treaty of Paris soon enough, mark my words.

So how similar is this battle on ice?  Let’s run through the list like Captain John Barry going through three British warships off of Cape Canaveral.

1. We’re fighting playing against redcoats. 

Just look at those colors.

 You know who else was red?  Communists.  Just sayin’, is all.

2. German mercenaries?  Check. 

You know that Dany Heatley guy?  Well he’s German- just like the Hessians.  And just like the Hessians, he’s not fighting for his country of birth.  No- he’s fighting for Canada.  Just like these guys:





On the plus side, these guys were called Jagers, so you know they were pretty cool.

3. The good guys wear blue.

The guy who wears C for America's army on ice





Our two greatest leaders.

4. We’re underdogs.

They may have a better skill pool, more money pumped into their program, mercenaries from Germany, and nifty mittens, but who won the first battle?

 That’s right- AMERICA.  Sure, we were out shot, but they weren’t particularly good shots.  Yeah, we didn’t get a lot of possession, but when we did we capitalized.  And at the end of the day- that’s what matters.  That and Millercles.

5. Canada is actually British- they just won’t admit it.

When America won the revolution and kicked the filthy tea Brits out, Americans who were British loyalists decided to get up and out too.  But they didn’t go back to Britain, they went somewhere worse.  Far worse.  Canada.  More specifially Quebec, Prince Edward Island, Nova Scotia, and Ontario.

6. There’s a Benedict Arnold.

Tyler Myers was born in the great American state of Texas. That’s something to be proud of. Then what does he do with his life? He moves to Canada.

Granted, he and his parents picked an alright city to move to- that being Calgary, so it could be worse.  But the man holds dual citizenship, and which country does he chose to play for?

 The evil empire of the north.  Traitor.

7. We have help from the French!

Please, tell me Parise isn’t a French surname.  Just try.  And if that’s not good enough for you, then take Kesler.  He might not be of French descent, but he’s an annoying little douche that’s helping the heroes win.  Sounds French to me!


That all being said, I hope to see Canada in the finals.

Categories: I look like a moron
  1. Tach
    February 26, 2010 at 1:24 pm


    What you fail to consider is that the people beat by the Americans in the Revolution were the British. They returned to their tiny island(s) and took up a game they call football and I’m sure in a hockey game with the U.S. would promptly display the same kind of skill and resolve as they did in 1781.

    The Canadians are the blokes who stayed behind after the Revorlution, and came back to burn your capital to the ground in a little thing we like to call the War of 1812.

    I suspect history will repeat itself yet again, but this time we will get a gold medal instead of miles and miles of frozen tundra as the spoils of victory.

    • Arik
      February 26, 2010 at 1:50 pm

      Actually, the Canadians couldn’t even do that by themselves. What actually happened in the War of 1812 (rather than the common hearsay) is the Canadians (or rather, British North Americans) were upset about the looting of York, Upper Canada. Their response? Send a letter to the British Empire asking them to retaliate for them. The British did in fact retaliate for them. Go Canada!

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