Author Archive

Need Some Cheering Up?

Here, have a couple laughs at the Sex Panther’s expense. I have compiled a few images of the monkey face himself. Click through the jump to partake in the lolz.

For reference, my favorite is last.

Read more…

Categories: I look like a moron

This is the way the world ends.

(mikeH at hit the post included a bit of the poem in the monday randoms post, so glove tap to him.)

A few years ago, I read T.S. Eliot’s poem “The Hollow Men” for the first time. It was written in 1925 and it draws from two major events: World War I and the Gunpowder Plot of 1605.

The last stanza is as follows:

This is the way the world ends.

This is the way the world ends.

This is the way the world ends.

Not with a bang, but with a whimper.

That’s what tonight’s game was. A whimper. No emotion, no passion, no physicality, no anything. Just 20 guys who decided to go to the rink to collect a pay check. As a fan, there is nothing more disappointing then to watch a team who, collectively, make 55 million dollars, play a game that they don’t look like they care about. Maybe if said team was in 13th with 70 points, sure, it would at least make sense. But when you are in 9th and you are only two points back, you need to show your fan base something. Even if you may not think the playoffs are a realistic destination, at least give us the impression that you still think you can get there.

I’m not saying the Flames missing the playoffs is in the same league as the world ending, but the failure of this season is going to lead into failures for the next two to three seasons. Things that have been done this year will destroy parts of the team next year and the year after. The utter desperation of Darryl Sutter this year was apparent-the mid season rebuild the size and scope of Calgary’s is something only a madman trying to save his job would do.

Sutter’s demeanor and attitude towards his players and staff has taken it’s toll, and it’s showing. Hopefully what happened tonight will start the overhaul of the organization.

Categories: I look like a moron

Well, that happened

April 4, 2010 3 comments

I am much too tired due to the tryptophan vessel that is turkey to write something proper about the loss to the Blackhawks, so have a laugh at my expense instead of thinking about the 3rd last nail in the coffin.

(editor’s note: In an effort to SOMEHOW relate this to the Flames, I will be trying to force this into a metaphor for…something. The playoffs? Yeah. Sure. My comments will be in red italics like this.)

Yesterday, while driving to work (this is clearly an allegory for the offseason and preseason), I decide to pull over to the local watering hole (Starbucks) (Didn’t Dion have his SUV get stolen at a Starbucks? Not relevant, just…yeah.) and order my 2nd favorite beverage (this is like signing Bouwmeester instead of Cammi). While ordering, a cute girl (OMG, right?) tells me that she also likes that drink (Much like other GMs liking J-Bow and forcing us to trade Leopold and pay an outrageous amount). Now, most of the time I am scared shitless to talk to members of the opposite sex, so in most situations like this I would give a nervous laugh and never think of it again. However, I was feeling especially brave due to the new tires I just had installed on my vehicular device (there’s 800 bucks down the drain. Thankfully, it wasn’t my money. Awesome early birthday present, if I do say so myself) (Daz spends other people’s money too!) and decided to take the drink-liking into a deeper conversation. We eventually got two stools at those weird bar things with the lights that hang about a foot from the surface, and proceeded to talk (Not the point, but I thought you were on your way to work). This conversation included many things, like the Flames flag I had on my car, my little sister (symbolizing the Abbotsford Heat), and annoying siblings (every underachieving Flames prospect ever). I did eventually have to get to work, so I figured that this girl had taken enough of an interest in me to warrant me asking if she would like to continue the converation some other time. So I told her I had to go to work, and I asked for her number (obviously a date is the playoffs.  Or is sex the playoffs? No- that’s the Cup). What happened next was rather unexpected (JUST LIKE THE TORONTO TRADE!).

She laughed at me (I feel the post-season laughing at me everyday in my heart).

I know, right? WTF? The last thing she said before leaving was that she had no interest in guys like me (sad trombone). What, you don’t want to go out with a fat kid who writes on the internet (hey, men who write on the internet are considered very sexy in some cultures. Mostly that’s because they have enough money for the Internet period. Oh right- Flames)? What is wrong with you?

Now that I think about it, asking for her number without knowing her name was probably a bad idea (much like trading for Kotalik without realizing he sucks and has been scratched a ton this year by the RANGERS FOR CHRISSAKE for good reasons).

Anyways, have a happy Easter (if you celebrate it). (I think the same problem applies to both the Flames and poor Justin: a lack of scoring. BAM. Also I know the pain.)

Categories: I look like a moron



Categories: I look like a moron

Vancouver Still Sucks!

April 2, 2010 1 comment

I really want to bring to light the excellent work our friend (ed: Justin is using the word “our” in the sense the Queen of Canada- you guys have a Queen, right?- uses the word “our”. It’s the royal “our”)(ed 2: Yep, still the actual leader of the country, although it’s more symbolic than anything. did a couple of days ago. It seems a fan from Vancouver, the douchebag-hipster capital of Canada, thinks that the Flames and their fans suck. Well, I would like to take another opportunity to spew hate at those assholes, and add a couple of points on to DB’s argument:

1. You have two of the most universally hated players in the game.

No one commands as much respect as Ryan Kesler (ed: screw you he’s an upstanding American hero among the likes of George Washington, Ulysses Grant, and Will Smith in Wild Wild West)(ed 2: I like most Americans. He’s still an asshole.)  and Alex Burrows do. Real class act, stand-up guys. They only play dirty, whine more than my 4-year-old sister, and fake injury on a regular basis (ed: quick correction, in 5 NHL seasons Kesler has only missed 2 games)(ed 2: he still fakes injury a ton.)

Check out this video:

The thing that pisses me off the most about them? They refuse to be accountable for their actions. They run and hide behind pylons like Rick Rypien and Darcy Hordichuk (ed: SCREW THOSE GUYS AMIRIGHT ) (ed 2: YA UR RIGHT) who collectively have less brain cells then the average embryo.

Read more…

A Brief Look at NTC’s/NMC’s

March 30, 2010 4 comments

A lot of talk around the Saddlesphere the past couple days has revolved around Jarome Iginla. Trades, captaincy, all of that good stuff. (In the interest of disclosure, Iggy has always been my favorite player and I will defend him to the death.) This then brought on a FanPost on Matchsticks and Gasoline from LawrenceS on trading Iggy. While it’s fun to debate about this stuff, the reality is that he has a large contract, which limits the amount of teams he can play for, and a NMC, which pretty much ensures he isn’t going anywhere. Rarely do players actually waive a NMC/NTC, especially when said player does not want to leave. With that, let’s look the Flames’ players with NTC’s and NMC’s:

Read more…


March 28, 2010 2 comments

The Flames just beat the Capitals. Now I feel like the Playoffs are within reach-especially since the Avs play San Jose tonight. I know I shouldn’t feel this way, but I can’t help it. However: how the hell do the Flames lose to the Bruins and Islanders and beat the Caps? Isn’t that pretty much the exact opposite of what was supposed to happen? Especially since this was the 2nd game of a back to back!

I’m going to choose to be optimistic, against my better judgement. The Flames could be in a playoff position after the Avs game on Thursday.

Go Flames Go(?)

Categories: I look like a moron