Archive for the ‘Big Daddy Connie’ Category

The NW Division Masterton Trophy Nominees

April 9, 2010 Leave a comment

First, the poll on the Jack Adams post is finally up.  As for why you can’t see results- we’ll have an award post eventually.  The results are known only to myself and Justin if he’s bothered to figure out how to check. (ed: I have no clue.)

“The Bill Masterton Memorial Trophy is awarded annually to the National Hockey League player who best exemplifies the qualities of perseverance, sportsmanship, and dedication to ice hockey.” In teams that have players who exemplify none of these, it’s awarded to goons or old men.  Just look at some of the nominees this year, Matt Carkner (goon), Mark Recchi (old man), DJ King, (goon), Craig Conroy (awesome old man).

Because these criteria are so vague, the Masterton trophy here will be a goon trophy.  So here are your nominees:

1. Brian McGrattan, Calgary Flames

Arik: The man is a goon through and through. He’s also a good fighter.  Unfortunately that’s all he is. He can barely skate and his effectiveness is limited to 5 minutes a night followed by 5 minutes in the penalty box. I’ll never understand why we dressed him over Prust, who may not have been as good of a fighter, but was more truculent and could actually not look out of place on the ice.

Justin: Truculence, Belligerence, Pugnacity, Fortitude and Virility. He was addicted to drugs, you know. Still doesn’t change the fact he sucks more then Staios. And agreed on Prust, who also had Heart. In other news: Daz is very dumb.

2. Derek Boogard, Minnesota Wild

Arik: Not only a goon, but a disgusting cheap one. Also, I feel bad for any kids of his who have to go through elementary and middle school with the last name of Boogard. Kids are cruel.

Justin: Hehe, booger. Did you see that knee about a month ago on some random Oiler? That was awful…knees are not supposed to bend that way.

3. Hugabear Stortini, Edmonton Oilers

Arik: I love Hugabear. He’s so bad. He can’t even fight really, he just grabs on, throws a couple of half-hearted punches, then just holds on for dear life. By far my favorite Oiler (though that’s not exactly saying a lot).

Justin: I hate this guy. Nice cheap shot on Iggy, asshole. And then the guy doesn’t even fight him! Must have been worried he’d end up like Souray.

4. Rick Rypien, Vancouver Canucks

Arik: Honestly, I don’t know what he brings to the Canucks that any other fringe NHLer couldn’t. He fights, but horribly. He’s a horrible skater, has no hands or defensive capability, and yet dresses for a vast majority of Vancouver’s games. Like, 68 this year. Christ, what a moronic idea.

Justin: This guy is interchangible with Darcy Hordichuk. Both skate worse then my dead grandmother would if she had no blades on their skates. I am going to use this line again: collectively, they have less brain cells then a developing embryo.

5. Scott Hannan, Colorado Avalanche

Arik: Who?

Justin: I don’t know. Never heard of him, but I just slipped in $4.5 million worth of hair grease.

I have no idea what the criteria for “NW Goon of the Year” award should be. Therefore- pick your favorite! Whether it’s the cuddliest, the best fighter, most likely to end up in prison- you decide!

So here’s the poll!


Casting Call! Charlie Conway

March 21, 2010 2 comments

This has been a dreamcrushing Sunday (if you actually bought into the idea that we were going to make the playoffs over last week) so I thought I’d cheer everyone up with a fun post!  Starting tonight I’ll cast the Calgary Flames as the characters of the Mighty Ducks, the greatest hockey film ever made.

Now due to lack of a number of characters, not everyone will get cast, deal with it.  Also the criteria for each character will be vastly different because screw you.  So the first character tonight is Mr. Craig Conroy as #96, Conway Twitty Charlie Conway.

#96, Charlie Conway

Now, I know it’s easy to think, “He’s the main character and captain, he’s gotta be Jarome Iginla/Ales Kotalik!” But no, not this time.  For one, he’s not the best player on the team, and for another, he’s a heart and soul guy who knows when to step back, just like Connie did when he gave the C to Iggy.

In D2, the  Ducks picked up another player as an injury replacement, but then Adam Banks came back and there were too many players to suit up.  So what does Charlie do?  He volunteers to not-dress out. Because he cares. That folks is leadership.

Also, Conroy will likely have the best post player career in a broadcast booth somewhere much like Joshua Jackson is one of two actors from those movies who actually has a career still.