Archive for the ‘I look like a moron’ Category

The Calgary Maple Leafs Shirt

April 11, 2010 2 comments

In a rare simultaneous  burst of creativity and effort, I used my limited Illustrator skills to put this together. I have zero interest in making money off of it, so any profit will go to the Red Cross.

Categories: I look like a moron


April 10, 2010 Leave a comment

I’ve let my vitriol towards Darryl out in little bits and spurts this season, mostly after the deadline, but I think it’s time to get comprehensive on this bitch.

I think there are 4 main problems with Darryl as GM, here’s an overview.  I’ll go a lot more indepth after the current awards series is over.

1. Micromanaging

If you watch the decisions made by coaches these past few years (benching Juice, putting Tanguay in a checking role, starting Toskala at absurd times) it’s clear that he likes to put his hands where they don’t belong. For a man who’s supposed to manage the hockey operations as a whole, he spends far too much time making decisions that the coaches, who see these players every day, are aware are completely moronic. Especially when he seems to largely ignore player development as a result.

2. Inability to Understand the Salary Cap

Just look at the team next year: aging D who are overpaid (Staios and Sarich), long term high-ish paying contract to Stajan (a marginal second liner) when both Backlund and Langkow are here and neither are 1st line  centers either, and constantly signing players who’ve just passed their prime at their prime value instead of players yet to come into it at a cheaper cost (Bourque being the exception).

3. Too Much Leeway

Dear Ken King,

When you give someone an “infinite contract”, you are basically saying “Go wild!” and handing them a bottle of tequila. And while Darryl seems like more of a port guy, he’s clearly gone wild

4. “Win Now At All Costs” Attitude

This basically ropes everything together. He thinks he knows what’s best on the ice, so instead of letting the coach fully implement a system, he hamstrings him by forcing decisions upon him. He trades futures for players that are just barely producing this season and will only cripple us capwise the next. He has no regard for tomorrow, and barely understands today.

Furthermore, Darryl Sutter has alienated a vast majority of the media, refuses to admit mistakes to the point of lying, and treats players horribly (remember the Andrew Ference fiasco?). He rarely makes an outside hire, choosing instead to hire his siblings as scouts, coaches, and most likely caterers. People who fail (Playfair) are inevitably given a lower job rather than that job being given to someone who deserves it. I understand loyalty, but it rarely applies to Sutter’s players (hypocrisy) and in this case prevents new blood from entering the organization.

Sutter has run things into the ground. Time for a change, I think.

Need Some Cheering Up?

Here, have a couple laughs at the Sex Panther’s expense. I have compiled a few images of the monkey face himself. Click through the jump to partake in the lolz.

For reference, my favorite is last.

Read more…

Categories: I look like a moron

The NW Division Masterton Trophy Nominees

April 9, 2010 Leave a comment

First, the poll on the Jack Adams post is finally up.  As for why you can’t see results- we’ll have an award post eventually.  The results are known only to myself and Justin if he’s bothered to figure out how to check. (ed: I have no clue.)

“The Bill Masterton Memorial Trophy is awarded annually to the National Hockey League player who best exemplifies the qualities of perseverance, sportsmanship, and dedication to ice hockey.” In teams that have players who exemplify none of these, it’s awarded to goons or old men.  Just look at some of the nominees this year, Matt Carkner (goon), Mark Recchi (old man), DJ King, (goon), Craig Conroy (awesome old man).

Because these criteria are so vague, the Masterton trophy here will be a goon trophy.  So here are your nominees:

1. Brian McGrattan, Calgary Flames

Arik: The man is a goon through and through. He’s also a good fighter.  Unfortunately that’s all he is. He can barely skate and his effectiveness is limited to 5 minutes a night followed by 5 minutes in the penalty box. I’ll never understand why we dressed him over Prust, who may not have been as good of a fighter, but was more truculent and could actually not look out of place on the ice.

Justin: Truculence, Belligerence, Pugnacity, Fortitude and Virility. He was addicted to drugs, you know. Still doesn’t change the fact he sucks more then Staios. And agreed on Prust, who also had Heart. In other news: Daz is very dumb.

2. Derek Boogard, Minnesota Wild

Arik: Not only a goon, but a disgusting cheap one. Also, I feel bad for any kids of his who have to go through elementary and middle school with the last name of Boogard. Kids are cruel.

Justin: Hehe, booger. Did you see that knee about a month ago on some random Oiler? That was awful…knees are not supposed to bend that way.

3. Hugabear Stortini, Edmonton Oilers

Arik: I love Hugabear. He’s so bad. He can’t even fight really, he just grabs on, throws a couple of half-hearted punches, then just holds on for dear life. By far my favorite Oiler (though that’s not exactly saying a lot).

Justin: I hate this guy. Nice cheap shot on Iggy, asshole. And then the guy doesn’t even fight him! Must have been worried he’d end up like Souray.

4. Rick Rypien, Vancouver Canucks

Arik: Honestly, I don’t know what he brings to the Canucks that any other fringe NHLer couldn’t. He fights, but horribly. He’s a horrible skater, has no hands or defensive capability, and yet dresses for a vast majority of Vancouver’s games. Like, 68 this year. Christ, what a moronic idea.

Justin: This guy is interchangible with Darcy Hordichuk. Both skate worse then my dead grandmother would if she had no blades on their skates. I am going to use this line again: collectively, they have less brain cells then a developing embryo.

5. Scott Hannan, Colorado Avalanche

Arik: Who?

Justin: I don’t know. Never heard of him, but I just slipped in $4.5 million worth of hair grease.

I have no idea what the criteria for “NW Goon of the Year” award should be. Therefore- pick your favorite! Whether it’s the cuddliest, the best fighter, most likely to end up in prison- you decide!

So here’s the poll!

This is the way the world ends.

(mikeH at hit the post included a bit of the poem in the monday randoms post, so glove tap to him.)

A few years ago, I read T.S. Eliot’s poem “The Hollow Men” for the first time. It was written in 1925 and it draws from two major events: World War I and the Gunpowder Plot of 1605.

The last stanza is as follows:

This is the way the world ends.

This is the way the world ends.

This is the way the world ends.

Not with a bang, but with a whimper.

That’s what tonight’s game was. A whimper. No emotion, no passion, no physicality, no anything. Just 20 guys who decided to go to the rink to collect a pay check. As a fan, there is nothing more disappointing then to watch a team who, collectively, make 55 million dollars, play a game that they don’t look like they care about. Maybe if said team was in 13th with 70 points, sure, it would at least make sense. But when you are in 9th and you are only two points back, you need to show your fan base something. Even if you may not think the playoffs are a realistic destination, at least give us the impression that you still think you can get there.

I’m not saying the Flames missing the playoffs is in the same league as the world ending, but the failure of this season is going to lead into failures for the next two to three seasons. Things that have been done this year will destroy parts of the team next year and the year after. The utter desperation of Darryl Sutter this year was apparent-the mid season rebuild the size and scope of Calgary’s is something only a madman trying to save his job would do.

Sutter’s demeanor and attitude towards his players and staff has taken it’s toll, and it’s showing. Hopefully what happened tonight will start the overhaul of the organization.

Categories: I look like a moron

The NW Division Norris Nominees

April 6, 2010 3 comments

The next part of our ongoing NW award series is the Norris trophy.  This trophy, named in honor of a manipulative horrible team owner back in the day is given every year to the best defenseman, since they have so much in common.  Here are the nominees, remember, red ones are mine and blue ones are Justin’s.  For voting this time, I’m putting in a poll (and I’ll add one to the Jack Adams post too).

1. Mark Giordano, Calgary Flames

Arik: Justin wanted to put J-Bow out there for the Flames, but some of his nominations in both this and other categories will overrule mine, and here mine overrules his. Because I’m right. Giordano may not eat up minutes like Bouwmeester does, but he’s been hitting good numbers lately, and unlike Bouwmeester actually seems to be a driving force in the game. He gets pretty cushy ice time, but he takes advantage of it too. Plus- Italian!

2. Christian Erhoff, Vancouver Canucks

Justin: Who the hell else was I gonna put here? Willie Mitchell? The only things that guy is good at are getting cut with skates and KO’d by Iggy. Back to Erhoff-dude’s had a pretty good offensive season, with 43 points and 42 penalty minutes in 79 games.

3. Brent Burns, Minnesota Wild

Justin: Yeah, he’s hurt a ton, but when he is healthy, he is a quality defender who sees the other team’s best players regularly. He also is able to play on the PP, although his stats don’t exactly show it. However, he’s the best D-man Minnesota has, and I’m much too lazy to look up actual advanced stats like Arik. Also, he played for Canada in 2008 at the World Championships, and he was named the tournament’s best defenseman. 18 points in 45 games this year, and he kinda looks like a horse.

4. The Kyles (Cumiskey and Quincey), Colorado Avalanche

Arik: Both guys have been unsung Colorado heroes this year. Quincey, because he plays some of the hardest competition on the Avs while only 42% of the draws he’s on the ice for are in the offensive zone, and Cumiskey because he’s the only d-man playing more from defensive draws than offensive ones that has a positive relative corsi. He also is a little bit jobbed by the bounces, unlike every other Avalanche player not named Paul Stastny, with an on ice SV% of .907.

5. Sheldon Souray, Edmonton Oilers

Arik: Our only unanimous choice here (and I almost threw my weight behind Aaron Johnson), Souray’s season will best be remembered by breaking his hand right before the trade deadline, causing much hilarity. I feel like that’s a fitting metaphor for the Oiler’s season.

Justin: Don’t forget: breaking that hand led to an infection, which ended his season and thus his trade value was zero! So now Edmonton has to live with the 5 Million they paid him for at least another season. So, I guess the Flames trading for Staios was, like, an apology for Jarome pwning him. It all makes sense now!

Now that you’ve been informed, forget that information and vote below!

Well, that happened

April 4, 2010 3 comments

I am much too tired due to the tryptophan vessel that is turkey to write something proper about the loss to the Blackhawks, so have a laugh at my expense instead of thinking about the 3rd last nail in the coffin.

(editor’s note: In an effort to SOMEHOW relate this to the Flames, I will be trying to force this into a metaphor for…something. The playoffs? Yeah. Sure. My comments will be in red italics like this.)

Yesterday, while driving to work (this is clearly an allegory for the offseason and preseason), I decide to pull over to the local watering hole (Starbucks) (Didn’t Dion have his SUV get stolen at a Starbucks? Not relevant, just…yeah.) and order my 2nd favorite beverage (this is like signing Bouwmeester instead of Cammi). While ordering, a cute girl (OMG, right?) tells me that she also likes that drink (Much like other GMs liking J-Bow and forcing us to trade Leopold and pay an outrageous amount). Now, most of the time I am scared shitless to talk to members of the opposite sex, so in most situations like this I would give a nervous laugh and never think of it again. However, I was feeling especially brave due to the new tires I just had installed on my vehicular device (there’s 800 bucks down the drain. Thankfully, it wasn’t my money. Awesome early birthday present, if I do say so myself) (Daz spends other people’s money too!) and decided to take the drink-liking into a deeper conversation. We eventually got two stools at those weird bar things with the lights that hang about a foot from the surface, and proceeded to talk (Not the point, but I thought you were on your way to work). This conversation included many things, like the Flames flag I had on my car, my little sister (symbolizing the Abbotsford Heat), and annoying siblings (every underachieving Flames prospect ever). I did eventually have to get to work, so I figured that this girl had taken enough of an interest in me to warrant me asking if she would like to continue the converation some other time. So I told her I had to go to work, and I asked for her number (obviously a date is the playoffs.  Or is sex the playoffs? No- that’s the Cup). What happened next was rather unexpected (JUST LIKE THE TORONTO TRADE!).

She laughed at me (I feel the post-season laughing at me everyday in my heart).

I know, right? WTF? The last thing she said before leaving was that she had no interest in guys like me (sad trombone). What, you don’t want to go out with a fat kid who writes on the internet (hey, men who write on the internet are considered very sexy in some cultures. Mostly that’s because they have enough money for the Internet period. Oh right- Flames)? What is wrong with you?

Now that I think about it, asking for her number without knowing her name was probably a bad idea (much like trading for Kotalik without realizing he sucks and has been scratched a ton this year by the RANGERS FOR CHRISSAKE for good reasons).

Anyways, have a happy Easter (if you celebrate it). (I think the same problem applies to both the Flames and poor Justin: a lack of scoring. BAM. Also I know the pain.)

Categories: I look like a moron